3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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