you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
