She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
