The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
