While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
