Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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