she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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