He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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