I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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