the condom got lost in my hair
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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