in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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