A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
