I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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