Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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