I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
