Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
