I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
