Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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