Umm I'm too high to move.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
