he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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