Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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