I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
