remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
