Only a mothe r could love this liver
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
