My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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