i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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