I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
