just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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