You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize