Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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