we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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