Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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