Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
