Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
