So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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