Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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