Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did we literally take a cab across the street
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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