She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
