He is like the real live version of the state fair..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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