His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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