Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
