i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
