Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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