I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
