i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
