I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
