Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
