and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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