Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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