Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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