I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
