i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My vagina is very pro this idea
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