it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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