cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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