I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
