When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
