WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
