We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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