peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
