I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
