I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
