One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
