I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
