i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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