the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
