So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
