And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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