sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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