Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
