I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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